Thank You for Breaking my Heart

I don’t know how I let myself put my guards down after several years. Here I was thinking that no other man could destroy me, if I didn’t let let in. But you somehow managed to get into the deep coars on my heart and completely shattered them into millions of sharp little pieces. The worst part is I am not even allowed to feel that. I cannot feel what I feel. I cannot scream what I need to scream, I cannot cry what I need to cry. I have to not only live with the mistake of letting you in, but also hurting the one true man that has always been there, and sabotaging my family. I will have to work at regaining any trust for what?

I had a friend, a confident someone who knew more about my life then any other person. Someone who knew me for who I was, someone who was truly important. I don’t know which parts of it was a lie when it all felt so true? How one beautiful earth-shattering kiss turned my world upside down. Would I have left, probably not. would I have given you all that you needed and vice-versa. I highly doubt it. I keep getting this feeling though it’s been months since I’ve last seen or spoken to you, that you are sad. Probably my own projection. who knows? You have and always will be the unattainable. Sometimes I wish I had never met you, then I think I would’nt have felt what it is to be completely lost and complety free to be me.

I have make the choice to cut out completely out of my life for the sake of my family.  I have taken them for granted, and I should be concentrating all my efforts on people who really care. And that is why I thank you for breaking my heart. If I had taken one step further I might have lost everything. You were right that night, you said the right thing to everyone except me.

Publicités

Heart’s and Oh No’s

Ces paroles qui nous ramènent au plus profond de nos âmes, la bas dans le néant des émotions de marde.

‘And I’d give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be,
And I don’t want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.’

Iris – Goo Goo Dolls

Wish I’d told him how I felt, then maybe he’d be here right now, but Instead

I pretended I’m glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I’m dyin’ inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m cryin’ inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn’t I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin’ down

I can say it so clearly, but you’re nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you
And nobody know it but me
I carry a smile when I’m broken in two
And I’m nobody without someone like you
I’m tremblin’ inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it’s a quarter past three
I’m screamin’ at night if I thought you’d hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin’ you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it’s been torn all apart
A million words couldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be lovin’ you still
The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, Ohh, uhh, whoa, omom
Nobody, nobody, but me
Tomorrow morning I’m hittin’ the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I’m gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you

And nobody knows it but me

Tony Rich Project – Nobody Knows

These arms of mine they are lonely
Lonely and feeling blue, these arms of mine
They are yearning, yearning from wanting you

And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be

These arms of mine they are burning
Burning from wanting you, these arms of mine
They are wanting, wanting to hold you

And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be

Come on, come on baby,
Just be my little woman, just be my lover
I need me somebody, Somebody to treat me right
I need your arms, loving arms to hold me tight
and I need, I need your tender lips

Otis Redding – These Arms Of Mine ¸

Oh.

Love of mine,
Won’t you lay by my side,
And rest your weary eyes,
Before we’re out of time,
Give me one last kiss,
For soon, such distance,
Will stretch between our lips,
Now the day’s losing light.

Oh.

Bring me your love, tonight.
Bring me your love, tonight.

Lost at sea,
My heart beat is growing weak,
Hoping you’d hear my plea,
And come save my life,
As the storm grew fierce,
And danger was certainly near,
I knew there was nothing to fear.

Bring me your love, tonight.
Bring me your love, tonight.
No I am not where I belong,
Bring me your love, tonight.

No I am not where I belong,
So shine a light and guide me home.
No I am not where I belong,
So shine a light, guide me back home.

Oh

As much as I ever could – City and Colour

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
‘Til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it’s the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
‘Til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone

And if you hurt me
That’s OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

Wait for me to come home [4x]

Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were 16
Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that’s OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

When I’m away
I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
« Wait for me to come home. »

Photograph – Ed Sheeran

Il y en a malheureusement plusieurs autres,..

Jamais

J’aurai préférée

Jamais te prêter mes oreilles

Jamais m’abreuver de tes mots

Jamais me perdre dans tes yeux

Jamais te laisser prendre ma main

Jamais te laisser te glisser sous ma peau

Jamais goûter tes lèvres

Mais surtout jamais baisser mes barrières

Comment est-ce possible de faire monter quelqu’un si haut, je n’ai jamais prévu de parachute de secours.

Tu as été mon plus grand confident, une si grande partie de ma vie.

J’aimerais te dire que ce sera facile de te laisser partir, mais je mentirai.

Je t’ai toujours défendue, parce que j’y ai cru. Qu’ils ne te connaissait pas comme ils aurait dû.

Aujourd’hui je pars sans jamais me retourner, tu n’auras pas la chance de savoir comment ça va aller.

Je vais prendre soin de ceux qui ne me laisse pas tomber.

Un jour peut-être j’écrirai l’histoire qui ma virée complètement à l’envers.

Un ramassi de mot

J’ai griffonné ça sur un papier ce matin.. et je me suis rappeler que jadis j’écrivais sur un blog!

You are the sun in my soul
Searching in the dark holes
Pierce threw my skin with those troubled eyes
I can stay for a while

Love the taste of your words
And the way it’s only us in the world
Light up my fire, let me taste your lips
While I lose my grip

Put that chap stick on baby
You’ll need it for a while
In this magnetic field of smiles

Dance with my honey
Let me feel your breath down my neck
As our bodies perform their symphony
All I want it is to tell you yes

 

Birthday Sore

Monday early morning 2 am…

I’m 32 today! I hate my birthday… that and christmas… the obligations, the waiting, the deceptions, the uncontrolloble emotions that come with it… I can dose my emotions better with time except on these days. Here I am awake crying my heart out in a damp basement, like every year…I wish I could sleep this hole day away. I don’t even know why I cry thats the frustrating part. My alarm is set to ring in 3h and 45mins what a beautiful day lies ahead…. Again I won’t be able to see my kids untill 6h30 tonight …. submerged with monstrous amounts of work waiting fo me on my desk… I keep thinking of my dad and his famous saying « go to your happy place » and even thought Disney World is mine I would probably still end up crying.

If I have one wish to make on the cake I will not have again this year… it’s to make this day as bearable a possible… I honestly don’t have time to deal with all this emotionnal crap….

Here’s to getting rid of bottled up shit, runny nose and frog eyes…

 

Marche ou crève

Je manque de temps! De temps pour etre avec mes enfants, du temps de qualité comme j’avais avant. Les journées sont longues bien remplies, je brule la chandelle par les deux bouts… Un jour proche je vais tombée et je ferais comme j’ai toujours fait, je me secouerais les genoux et je continuerais. Tout simplement parce que j’ai pas le choix. J’ai été élevée comme ca… marche ou crève! Je suis partie 13h par jour, j’arrive les devoirs, le souper, les lunchs, la préparations pour le lendemain. Côté positif je n’ai plus aucun problème d’insomnie, ma tête n’a même pas le temps de toucher l’oreiller que je ronfle déjà. La personne avec qui je passais le plus de temps et avec qui j’arrivais enfin a souffler un peu, mon mari, est dans le même bateau. On a plus l’air d’une équipe de crocs-mort que notre équipe de joueur de bowling élite. Il me manque aussi, un petit texto de lui dans la journée me fait tellement du bien et me permet de continuer. Cela me permet aussi de mettre un peu toute cette angoise qui pese si souvent sur mes épaule, la culpabilitée de ne pas être assez présente pour mes enfants et que je sens qu’ils en souffre énormément surtout mon plus vieux qui a 9 ans seulement souffre de dépréssion et est suivi régulièrement par des spécialistes. Pauvre chou qui porte tout les malheurs des gens sur ses épaules. Pris entre une mère un peu ruff et absente, un beau-père épuisé et moins patient, un grand-père qui s’énerve et un père maniaco-dépressif. Calisse que j’aimerais pouvoir lui offrir mieux que ca. Je m’ennuie de leurs sourires, ou sont passés leurs sourires. Malheureusement je n’y peu rien, tout ce que je peux c’est faire de mon mieux et leurs apporter un peu de soleil a travers toute cette tempête. Aujourd’hui malgré le ménage et le train train quotidien je suis allée jouer dans les feuilles avec eux. Ca fesait 2 mois que je n’avais pas joué avec eux, 2 fucking mois!!! C’est trois beaux sourires la on chassé tout le gris de cette journée. Criss que je les aimes, ils sont ma vie et quitte a y laisser ma peau ou ma saineté d’esprit je sais que le jours ou je mourai j’aurais tout donné et tout fait pour eux. Tout! Même revivre la même vielle marde d’y a 15 – 20 ans. Des fois il faut se sacrifier dans la vie, j’ai toujours fait passer les autres avant moi dans ma vie, mais ce sont seulement eux qui en valent la peine, ca j’en suis certaine!

Un vendredi de pluie….

…..And I could start fires with what I feel inside! No matter how my heart tries
I’m not too blind to realize…. that as long as you can see what’s right in front of you
I guess that’s just me, All that I am, all that I ever was. Filled with old ghosts.                                                                                               I will never go back to pretending everything alright, Let me feel what I’m feeling tonight…

Fools and deceptions

Perception! That thing that most of your thoughts and decisions are based on…

Who’s wrong who’s right does’nt matter in the end.

Deception in others is easy to see, but seing your own faults and gaining a impartial understanding of them is even harder.

The only truth is to follow your heart and surround yourself with people who care as much as you do.

Someone that doubts why I’ve chosen them to be part of my life is a fool. It’s not for myself but for who my « perception » believes them to be. I’m a strong believer in growing throught people in your life, the good the bad and the ugly. But I’m no massochistic and if I feel that I’ve become the ugly in someone life I see absolutely no reason to continue any kind if relationship. People give and take, have ups and downs, thats life! Who am I to judge? But when you try and don’t want to give up on someone and you just realise that there’s just no use, that you are making a fool of yourself, because they honestly don’t care it’s deceiving and frankly devastating. So you just give up!

Recently I stopped trying, maybe/probably will regret it sooner or la ter. Knowing that I’ll be missing very important moments, unfortunately I don’t belong there anymore.

Goodbye my friend, take care of that precious gift that you’ve waited so long for.